Will go poof in a day or two.
I am very unsure how to deal with this.
Guyden, my boyfriend of 7 years, isn’t happy with our relationship right now. He wants me to “want” him more. There’s more to it than that, because like in most relationships not having sex is a symptom of other things that are going wrong in our lives.
He told me this as he was getting ready for work, and had a panic attack and cried and woke me up. Just completely dumped it on me, there’s been no warning.
I’m depressed and frustrated, he’s depressed and frustrated — and he’s kind of imagining a sex utopia that never existed in our relationship.
There have been long periods where he’s refused sex (from depression or other medical issues that made it painful), and the sex that we’ve been (occasionally) having recently has been (if I am one hundred percent honest) bad sex. I’ve tried telling him (over the last year or so) hey, so I need more foreplay and I appreciate that you like going down on me, but how you do it does nothing for me, so here’s a book about technique and stuff, because I have no idea what works.
Of course, he’s done nothing. The last time he put a “move” on me (and I’m defining it very loosely) was when he grabbed one of my breasts as I was getting into bed and he was fondling himself. I was tired, and it made me feel like a piece of meat.
He’s not trying. Or I guess, I can’t get into his head and understand what trying looks like for him. He said to me, that he hoped things would get better maybe after 3 events: our vacation to Ireland, a champagne brunch he was gifted from work, or after his short work trip to Ukraine .
A. Ireland — this was not a romantic vacation at all. We were constantly moving and driving from place to place, it was not relaxing, and he never told me that this was intended to be romantic. I thought we were going because he needed to get away from the pollen and he needed a break from work. We had sex one day — the one where I was able to take a nap in a nice hotel and take it easy and have a cuddle. Every other day I was stressed and exhausted.
B. Champagne brunch — thiscould have been romantic, if I didn’t fall down some stone stairs on the way because we were needlessly rushing to the train while I was wearing heels. This was a literal tumble, where I bloodied my ripped up stockings, and hit part of my foot so hard my toes were partially numb for 2 days. I was really hurt, and two weeks later I’m still all scabby and the bumps haven’t totally gone away.
C. Ukraine — He was gone 3 days — and I did miss him, but I spent it doing laundry and when he came home he was exhausted (understandably) and gross and peeling from sunburn. NOT Sexy.
He also mentioned that those days where we don’t feel like cooking and go out to eat are supposed to make me more receptive to sex (not in those words). It never occurred to me — he never said anything to the effect or increases the flirting more than the casual touches that we always do.
I told him that he should have told me that he wants to have a romantic evening or vacation, partially so I understand what’s going on, partially so that I can give input. He found that awkward. “But it’s not romantic to tell you I want to have a romantic dinner!” Well, I hate surprises and can’t read between the lines — being confused is a bonerkiller. I also told him he needs to initiate sex more, but he said (and he’s said repeatedly) that the rejection hurts him when I say no.
I just… I love him. Neither of us are the hottest people in the world, we’ve both let ourselves go — but that doesn’t mean I’m not more than receptive to having good sex with the man I love. But I’m not a robot and I felt so angry and resentful and hurt that he came to me freaking the fuck out, instead of having a calm conversation (which I have done before with him wrt sex, not that it’s helped).
I’m a tumblr mess of mental health issues — an autistic rape survivor with PTSD — and I’ve been talking to my therapist about how I’m so fucking exhausted from being responsible 100% for the emotional side of the relationship. I feel like he’s dumped the issue on me and I’m now responsible for this too.
So far I’ve suggested that we go and do a spa or beach weekend, at my chilled out speed; that we either do a few sessions of couple’s therapy (with a neutral party) or he comes with me to my therapist just to talk; that he tell me when he wants me to do something romantic; and that he read the sex books I suggested.
I can’t read his mind, and he tells me that he doesn’t want me to — but at the same time that’s exactly what he wants now, and I’m lost.
