CW: Suicide

Thank you all for your kind words. Really. I wasn’t up to commenting back to everyone, but I read every comment and I’m grateful you all took the time to even write something.

Yesterday was a bad day.

I had some really nasty intrusive thoughts, and I was able to call the number I got at the clinic to try and fix things. I’m just going to copy/paste (with minor editing) what I said to a friend I reached out to:

I’m in a pretty dark place right now, and the psych clinic is fucking with me. First the referral said I speak English, the person I do intake with cannot speak English.

So I call and complain and ask them to make sure the doc I’ll see speaks English or I’ll order a translator. They’re condescending, but say they’ll fix it and not to order a translator

So I show up. And of course, they did nothing. I cry hysterically in the Dr’s office. He doesn’t seem comfortable speaking English to do an assessment, and I tell him I cannot do it in Swedish on my end. I tell him he can speak Swedish if I can speak English. He tells me to call a different number and books me with another doc in June.

I call the number to complain further, and the nurse on the other line gets a fucking attitude with me. Says the doc offered to do the assessment in English but I declined because his English wasn’t good enough. WHICH IS NOT WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED. He also tells me there’s no record of me talking with the secretary or the scheduling person.

I tell the nurse I’m suicidal. He just says “Okay.” Then I get pissed and tell the fucker if I don’t make it to June it’s on their fucking heads. He tells me it’s not and all patients need to take responsibility for themselves.

Let me say that I’m pretty sure in hindsight that that was not the way to handle it. But 15 minutes before I called I was imagining what it would be like to eat a gun. I’m scared and overwhelmed and one thing I react badly to is threatening authority figures. Getting gaslighted pushes all my buttons. I’m just so afraid that it’s going to keep getting worse unless I’m able to get my ass into therapy. And even when I go in June, there will still be a wait time after that before I get to see anyone.

Yesterday I called the patient advocates, but they’re closed for easter and will be back Tuesday. Today I called the national health advice line, to ask what I could do. The nurse I spoke to agreed that I do have the right to “feel safe/secure in my health care” (this isn’t something that translates well - “trygghet i vård”), especially with having official diagnoses of autism and PTSD.

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I’m not sure what the next steps are. On Tuesday and Wednesday I’ll try calling the patient advocates and call the social worker I’ve seen at the regular clinic to see if she can talk to them.

Right now I’m “okay”. I’ll be going to brunch at a friend’s tomorrow, and I’ll finally have a day off alone on Sunday. (My housemate has been really chatty and drinking in the evenings so I’ve not really been able to decompress as much as I’d like.